People are telling me to live it up, and enjoy the single life.
But I can't.
Every day I wonder if I have made the single biggest mistake of my life by not giving everything up and going to be with him.
Is this just because I am lonely and desperate to feel like someone loves me? Possibly. And when I come close to acknowledging it, I look at myself from an outsider's eyes and think about how sad and pathetic that really is.
I keep thinking about the things between us that were perfect. Our chemistry. His love for me. Everything we talked about, we bonded over, whether it was good or bad. His interest in the little things in life. The way his tastes changed to be more like mine during the time we were together. His body. His face, his smile, his gentle eyes full of love. His nurturing, safe hugs that always made me feel protected.
I also think about the bad things, to make myself feel less sad about missing the good things. I think about the fact that we were doomed from the start based on his visa status. I think about his alcohol intake that caused me so much grief when we were together, and my fear that it would increase in the future. I think about the times he lied about his alcohol intake and hid alcohol from me. I think about how dumb he was that he thought at one point that it would be okay to try and take a shortcut in life and cheat the system. I think about the fact that he could not stick up to his family for me. I think about the last few months when he made this entire process so much more agonizing for me by calling me to reminisce about the good times.
Last week I could blame these tears on my period. There is no such excuse now. I have to learn my lesson this time because I cannot emotionally afford not to.
But I can't.
Every day I wonder if I have made the single biggest mistake of my life by not giving everything up and going to be with him.
Is this just because I am lonely and desperate to feel like someone loves me? Possibly. And when I come close to acknowledging it, I look at myself from an outsider's eyes and think about how sad and pathetic that really is.
I keep thinking about the things between us that were perfect. Our chemistry. His love for me. Everything we talked about, we bonded over, whether it was good or bad. His interest in the little things in life. The way his tastes changed to be more like mine during the time we were together. His body. His face, his smile, his gentle eyes full of love. His nurturing, safe hugs that always made me feel protected.
I also think about the bad things, to make myself feel less sad about missing the good things. I think about the fact that we were doomed from the start based on his visa status. I think about his alcohol intake that caused me so much grief when we were together, and my fear that it would increase in the future. I think about the times he lied about his alcohol intake and hid alcohol from me. I think about how dumb he was that he thought at one point that it would be okay to try and take a shortcut in life and cheat the system. I think about the fact that he could not stick up to his family for me. I think about the last few months when he made this entire process so much more agonizing for me by calling me to reminisce about the good times.
Last week I could blame these tears on my period. There is no such excuse now. I have to learn my lesson this time because I cannot emotionally afford not to.
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