First things first, I guess...

I don't think anyone will actually read this. I do not have the intention of widely publicizing this blog the way I have done with other blogs I wrote in years past...so I am kind of curious about who will end up coming across this. Each time I blog on a new site, I begin with the mindset that I am blogging only for my own benefit, and as such, I should be totally uninhibited in my writings. But then, as time goes on, I realize that every honest word I write could potentially be held against me. An internal battle starts at that point as to whether or not I care, or should care, because the truth as I perceive it is the truth as I perceive it, no matter what anyone else has to say about it...after all, I am a relatively inconsequential person and I have nothing to be ashamed of at this point in my life. So I begin this new blog by saying (to myself, mainly) that I will make every attempt to allow my uninhibited thoughts to find a place here, no matter how unusually judgmental, bitchy, or narrow-minded they may seem to be. If you happen to know me, do say hi :)

The title of this blog is something that took me a moment to think up. I have been using "ContinualChanges" as a username for various computer and internet programs for years now. It just serves as a small reminder that life is nothing but a series of continual changes. I added in the "cultivated anomaly" part as a way of describing what I perceive myself to be, in as few words as possible. Demographically speaking, I am an Indian-American woman in her early 20s. However, I know that I have always had a tendency to think like a person much older than myself at the time. I also know that being Indian-American immediately makes people think of the stereotypical fob-hating, culturally-inadequate ABCD. It usually takes a lot of effort on my part to get people to realize that that's not what I am. There are many times in my life during which I feel alone, simply because of the fact that I have to make it my duty to form my own culture that I feel proud about standing up for.

The "cultivated" part comes from the fact that a lot of the parts of my personality and the way I think came from characteristics my mother wanted me to have as an adult (for example, fearlessness and straightforwardness). I also know that my late grandfather put a great deal of effort into making sure I understood the value of humility from a very young age (you will rarely hear me flatter myself, and I purposely do not feed the egos of others just for the sake of doing so. I do not give compliments unless they are sincere). It is not very common for Indian women in general to be loud, drama-free, honest, or rough around the edges, but that is what I am, and I would not change a thing about these aspects of myself.

There are many dark sides to me. I will go on to mention them for no particular reason. I have a lot of anger stored up inside me from numerous past betrayals. It is very easy for me to cut people out of my life (if they hurt me beyond any possibility of redemption), no matter how involved they were in my personal affairs. I have little to no shame regarding many things, and a lot of times that leads me to make statements that are harsh and insensitive, particularly when I am upset. I have a lot of secrets, and some of my best friends may not know even a third of them. I generally don't just bring my history up in casual conversation unless it is pertinent to the subject matter, and I feel comfortable discussing it with my company at that time and place. A lot of times, only one of those conditions end up being met, even during an intense discussion, and I end up not disclosing much about myself. However, if all those conditions end up being met, I have an eerie ability to coldly state all the facts of my history, and it will almost seem as if I am narrating another person's story, and that none of the words coming out of my mouth are applicable to me.

I realize that to many people, I seem weird and just generally "off". But those people usually don't stick around in my life long enough to understand the method to each of my tiny madnesses. I want to tell them, either keep your mind open to the possibility of things being different than the way you perceive them, or stay trapped.

I like to end blogs on a positive note, so I will now write about my lighter sides. I am very thankful for everything I have, because I know that most of the world does not have what I have been given. I am thankful for every good person in my life, and for every kind word that was said to me during times of hardship. I am very sensitive. Some people may feel that that is nothing to be proud of, but I am very proud of it because at the end of it all, if I feel an emotion, any emotion, I am reminded that I am still human...too many people pride themselves on being numb all the time. Too many bureaucracies are established around the morals and desires of unemotional, non-human beings. And if I can't fight that in the world at large, I will fight it in my personal life because I value touch, tears, love, laughter, and words more than I value any number of dollars. When I die, I would rather be surrounded by people I knew than things I acquired.

So... I need to end this somewhere... If you are reading this, a big HELLO to you, and know that your time is appreciated :) Feel free to comment on any and everything that I write about...
Have a happy day...