I have become a woman who wears makeup to remind herself not to cry.
I have become a defeated woman, destroyed and torn down by those who used to love her. I have become a ghost, trying to reach out and haunt those who are willing to listen to her ghost stories.
I have become a leech, searching for a generous host so she might feel loved. I have become a generous hostess, looking for leeches so she might feel needed.
I have become a part-time basketcase, experiencing mental crises behind closed doors, awake when nobody else would be.
I have become a pie chart, a victim, a penny, a criminal, a relic, a tragedy.
I spend most of my life distracting myself from these facts, but invariably, severe emotional pain reminds me and rereminds me that this is what I have become. I know I am still evolving, and I am truly scared of my future, and I wonder what would happen to me if my life continued as it is currently.
I have minor successes when it comes to detaching myself and trying to forge new a frontier as a strong, undefeatable woman but it really just feel like I am trying to dig myself out of this chasm with a teaspoon. I am full of envy when I see women like ******* who know what to say and how to say it, and who are fearless, and magnetically attractive through their fearlessness.
I need to keep it in my head that the only single thing that remains constant in this world is change, and so even though I know all these thoughts will wreak havoc on my mind periodically in my future, it is all the more impotant for me to enjoy the time between the return.
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2 comments:
DUDE! I've just read through some of your posts and damn womeng, you've got some serious things going on! I can definitely tell you are the type that needs that "attachment" sense in a relationship and this is where you need to be careful. Also, you are way too actively looking to be in a relationship!!! This is the wrong way of thinking/feeling. If you are letting this consume you, it becomes you. You think about it night and day 24/7. If it doesn't happen, meaning you don't find someone, you get supreme disappointment and of course you become depressed as well. You need to stop actively looking for a relationship and realize the best things in life happen when you least expect it. We shall talk some more when we meet next, but please keep these things in mind. Keep your head up buddy.
Hey Anish. Thanks for your comment! But you know what, I am not actively looking for a relationship per se, right now. My hope is that I make friends and something special comes from one of my friendships. I WANT it to fall into my lap. I will tell you though that I am definitely actively looking to meet people, but just for friendships. Know what I mean? Most of my current pain is coming from that Punjabi guy who broke my heart. Sad as I am to admit it, I am still not 100% over it and I am trying in every way possible to distract myself from it. I hung out with three different friends today and that definitely helped. What I felt earlier when I wrote that entry was a very acute feeling of despair, but it does have its aftershocks every now and then.
So yeah, please don't get me wrong, I am not hunting for a man to be my one and only, right now. I know I have too much going on in my life right now for that, anyway. I have close to no stability in any aspect of my life, LOL
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