Clarifications

So here's the scoop. Manish is back from India, I met him just one time yesterday, and the dam I spent the past three months building up was broken by all the old feelings that came flooding back. I laughed, I cried, I went through the past year and a half all over again in a few hours, and I got angry at myself for relapsing, for being hopeful, and for feeling feelings for someone I shouldn't. I got mad at myself for disappointing Dioliver, who has held my hand throughout this whole ordeal. I got mad at myself for needing to talk to him again about the same shit that we all know I should have forgotten about a long time ago. And really, seriously, I am shocked at the mess that has been left behind. Manish was like a tornado in a library. I thought I had done a good job of cleaning up, but I was wrong. I have never been through anything like this. This is a totally new kind of pain for me.

So, yeah. I will continue to do what helped me in the beginning when all this shit first happened. Distraction, distraction, distraction. I will rediscover my interest in crocheting, I will spend as much time out of the house as possible, I will watch whatever movies it takes, I will continue to write here until the letters on my keyboard fade, I will do whatever the fuck I have to to forget forget forget.

In other news: well, a few weeks back I finally moved into my own studio on Dove and Jay, and I love it. I love not dreading conversation when I get home, I love having privacy, and I love being able to be me, freely. It's a 20 minute walk to work, though, which took me a few days to get used to since the walk from my previous location was like 3 minutes. Oh well, I am willing to sacrifice anything for my privacy! I start work off orientation for the first time on my new unit tomorrow and I am terrified. I was fine when they took me off orientation on my old unit, but the night shift was at such a slow pace that I felt I was learning everything I had to. In this vascular unit, I always feel like I am flying by the seat of my pants. I hope I get used to it quickly and that I don't make any terrible mistakes as I am learning to do so.

That is all for now. Be back when the mood strikes.