I have gone a shitload of dates since moving back here to NYC. No regrets. I feel the need to qualify that statement by saying that I am not sleeping around! But I am definitely having fun meeting a lot of people who are new and people who are awesome and people who are interesting (and sometimes all three!). I do have a few "main players" though who I have met many times and/or who have made a big impression on me, for better or for worse.
Let's get into this.
DISCLAIMER: If know you are one of these people, and you have stumbled across this site, I am sorry and know that I need to get my honesty out someplace and here is truly the only place I can do this. No hard feelings! Because the truth is, if there had been, you would no longer be speaking to me and you wouldn't care what is on here anyway.
First we have PJ. I mentioned him in a previous entry where I was worried about having broken his heart. Well we all know that retrospect is 20/20 and after we met up a second time I came to the conclusion that, all at once, he was caring, dedicated, and loyal, and insecure and manipulative and otherwise somewhat twisted in a way I couldn't quite put my finger on. Examples: telling me, "I like stuffing you." That freaked me the fuck out because the battle of the bulge has been a lifelong struggle for me. It just...freaked me out. He even tried to switch drinks with me when we ordered at Starbucks- I had ordered a "skinny" version of a drink and he ordered full-fat eggnog latte. He swore up and down that his drink was mine and that mine was his, even though we ordered two different sizes. Wat. We exchanged friendly New Year's texts and never corresponded after that.
Next up is FH. When I first met him, F was seriously everything I was looking for in a man; playful sense of humor, willing to be silly along with me, treated me how I liked to be treated, open and honest, good conversationalist, excellent overall chemistry, physically attractive, sensitive, sensual, smoldering eyes, gentle eyebrows, sinfully delicious smile, perfect teeth. But there were a few issues after I had known him for some months. One was that one fine day, he just abruptly stopped all communication with me. All the feelings I had about him being straightforward and honest with me went out the window, especially after he revealed to me that he stopped talking to me because I said "get the fuck out of my house" during a playful exchange. Seriously, I never would have said that and meant it, without the person having been gone immediately thereafter. He took it so personally and told me in no uncertain terms that he wished me luck with someone else. That devastated me because first off, I never meant it, and secondly, I cared about him a lot. Here's the real bitch though: he is Muslim and there is no way in hell I am ever converting. I love my religion. And he told me very openly and understandably that he is not going to leave his religion either. So there's that. We met once more after another week-long break from me that he initiated, and sadly the chemistry just didn't come back. Oh well.
Then there is AK. A was a psychiatrist from the same part of India as me, and our families share the language and hometown of origin. One might assume that since he was medically certified in a science that is all about human interaction and the human psyche, that he would have had some level of skill in talking to people. Well, my dear reader(s?), I regret to tell you that that was not the case. This man was such a disappointment that he put me off meeting people for a good while. Whatever he wrote about himself on the online profile that I saw, intrigued me to the point that I really thought we would have some kind of connection. Not to say I expected something magical between us, but I really believed we could at least have enough chemistry to be acquaintances. I don't think that's unreasonable. Well anyway, he was the biggest letdown ever. I met him a few times, and each time after the first I hoped things would go in a positive direction. They never did, and needless to say I am not wasting my time on him anymore. I don't want to get too detailed but let's just say he said many rude and insensitive things to and about me regarding my appearances and my personality. Like, what the fuck. This is what he would do: he would identify things that caused me to become irritated, then bring up those topics in inconsequential conversation, and then make fun of me for becoming irritated. I ended up having to send him this text message the last time I saw him: "You were the biggest disappointment. I kept wanting to see you because I hoped we could have one meeting in which I wasn't made to feel upset or like shit. But it looks like you don't know how to treat people like people unless you are at work. I am a sensitive person but believe it or not I can take a joke. What you said today is not a joke. And on top of that you tried to appease me by rubbing the back of your arm on my boob. What the hell was that. You don't know me well enough to know my sense of humor. You need to grow up. There is a difference between being a kid and being immature. I am a kid at heart and I know when it is and when it is not ok to expose that side of my personality. You are just immature. You are like a teenager who doesn't know how to get along with women except you are in your 30s. That is not a good thing. It means you have yet to become a man. Learn how to treat people with respect. Good luck."
Next up. SR. Another fellow Malayali. Another one who is immature, but in a different way. He was a good conversationalist but he was another 30 something year old caught up a little too much in impulsive behavior. I learned this when he brought up in casual conversation that he had had unprotected intercourse with multiple partners. Mmmmmnothanks. That wasn't the only thing that turned me away from him. There were some other things, such as being pretty boastful and a little arrogant. All in all it was a no-go for me and I was pretty turned off at the prospect of anything more than friendship between us. We still keep in touch by texting once in a while, and I am fine with that.
I met a great many more people in addition to these but I guess these were the "main" ones. I am not serious about anyone right now because I haven't found the right person to be serious with. But I hope I do, soon. I am not a person who likes being single for too long. I should be okay with it but I am not, and my impending birthday is not helping things one bit. I feel far older than I am and I want that feeling to stop. I want to enjoy my life. I want to not need people. I wish it were possible to not need to be loved and held and cuddled and considered special by someone who is special to me. I guess that's a natural feeling but I wish I didn't want that right now because I simply am not getting that But at the same exact time, I am still not ready to be responsible for another person's feelings. I am such a hot mess. Talking to myself daily and being patient with myself and convincing myself this is a healthy post-breakup intermediary stage is a daily routine. I want so much right now that seems just a nanometer away from my grasp.
Let's get into this.
DISCLAIMER: If know you are one of these people, and you have stumbled across this site, I am sorry and know that I need to get my honesty out someplace and here is truly the only place I can do this. No hard feelings! Because the truth is, if there had been, you would no longer be speaking to me and you wouldn't care what is on here anyway.
First we have PJ. I mentioned him in a previous entry where I was worried about having broken his heart. Well we all know that retrospect is 20/20 and after we met up a second time I came to the conclusion that, all at once, he was caring, dedicated, and loyal, and insecure and manipulative and otherwise somewhat twisted in a way I couldn't quite put my finger on. Examples: telling me, "I like stuffing you." That freaked me the fuck out because the battle of the bulge has been a lifelong struggle for me. It just...freaked me out. He even tried to switch drinks with me when we ordered at Starbucks- I had ordered a "skinny" version of a drink and he ordered full-fat eggnog latte. He swore up and down that his drink was mine and that mine was his, even though we ordered two different sizes. Wat. We exchanged friendly New Year's texts and never corresponded after that.
Next up is FH. When I first met him, F was seriously everything I was looking for in a man; playful sense of humor, willing to be silly along with me, treated me how I liked to be treated, open and honest, good conversationalist, excellent overall chemistry, physically attractive, sensitive, sensual, smoldering eyes, gentle eyebrows, sinfully delicious smile, perfect teeth. But there were a few issues after I had known him for some months. One was that one fine day, he just abruptly stopped all communication with me. All the feelings I had about him being straightforward and honest with me went out the window, especially after he revealed to me that he stopped talking to me because I said "get the fuck out of my house" during a playful exchange. Seriously, I never would have said that and meant it, without the person having been gone immediately thereafter. He took it so personally and told me in no uncertain terms that he wished me luck with someone else. That devastated me because first off, I never meant it, and secondly, I cared about him a lot. Here's the real bitch though: he is Muslim and there is no way in hell I am ever converting. I love my religion. And he told me very openly and understandably that he is not going to leave his religion either. So there's that. We met once more after another week-long break from me that he initiated, and sadly the chemistry just didn't come back. Oh well.
Then there is AK. A was a psychiatrist from the same part of India as me, and our families share the language and hometown of origin. One might assume that since he was medically certified in a science that is all about human interaction and the human psyche, that he would have had some level of skill in talking to people. Well, my dear reader(s?), I regret to tell you that that was not the case. This man was such a disappointment that he put me off meeting people for a good while. Whatever he wrote about himself on the online profile that I saw, intrigued me to the point that I really thought we would have some kind of connection. Not to say I expected something magical between us, but I really believed we could at least have enough chemistry to be acquaintances. I don't think that's unreasonable. Well anyway, he was the biggest letdown ever. I met him a few times, and each time after the first I hoped things would go in a positive direction. They never did, and needless to say I am not wasting my time on him anymore. I don't want to get too detailed but let's just say he said many rude and insensitive things to and about me regarding my appearances and my personality. Like, what the fuck. This is what he would do: he would identify things that caused me to become irritated, then bring up those topics in inconsequential conversation, and then make fun of me for becoming irritated. I ended up having to send him this text message the last time I saw him: "You were the biggest disappointment. I kept wanting to see you because I hoped we could have one meeting in which I wasn't made to feel upset or like shit. But it looks like you don't know how to treat people like people unless you are at work. I am a sensitive person but believe it or not I can take a joke. What you said today is not a joke. And on top of that you tried to appease me by rubbing the back of your arm on my boob. What the hell was that. You don't know me well enough to know my sense of humor. You need to grow up. There is a difference between being a kid and being immature. I am a kid at heart and I know when it is and when it is not ok to expose that side of my personality. You are just immature. You are like a teenager who doesn't know how to get along with women except you are in your 30s. That is not a good thing. It means you have yet to become a man. Learn how to treat people with respect. Good luck."
Next up. SR. Another fellow Malayali. Another one who is immature, but in a different way. He was a good conversationalist but he was another 30 something year old caught up a little too much in impulsive behavior. I learned this when he brought up in casual conversation that he had had unprotected intercourse with multiple partners. Mmmmmnothanks. That wasn't the only thing that turned me away from him. There were some other things, such as being pretty boastful and a little arrogant. All in all it was a no-go for me and I was pretty turned off at the prospect of anything more than friendship between us. We still keep in touch by texting once in a while, and I am fine with that.
I met a great many more people in addition to these but I guess these were the "main" ones. I am not serious about anyone right now because I haven't found the right person to be serious with. But I hope I do, soon. I am not a person who likes being single for too long. I should be okay with it but I am not, and my impending birthday is not helping things one bit. I feel far older than I am and I want that feeling to stop. I want to enjoy my life. I want to not need people. I wish it were possible to not need to be loved and held and cuddled and considered special by someone who is special to me. I guess that's a natural feeling but I wish I didn't want that right now because I simply am not getting that But at the same exact time, I am still not ready to be responsible for another person's feelings. I am such a hot mess. Talking to myself daily and being patient with myself and convincing myself this is a healthy post-breakup intermediary stage is a daily routine. I want so much right now that seems just a nanometer away from my grasp.
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