So my 28th birthday has come and gone. Though I try to hide it I feel old even though I know I am not.
This last heartbreak has still got me down in the dumps, mainly because he does not want to sever the ties that still bind us. We still talk multiple times a day and pine over each other on the phone and tell each other sweet nothings and little memories that we have of each other from when he was still here. All of this is killing me, yet we can't break it off.
He told me he is going to India in one to one and a half months and there is a 60-80% chance he will get married while he is there. Yet he still can't break it off with me. I have explained to him that I want to love whoever I end up marrying, before I marry them. I explained that it is easier for him right now than it is for me because his parents will set him up with someone and I have to go hunting for myself. By telling him that I have made him aware of the difficulty he is causing me and he has had a depressed mood for the past few days. He has asked me to wait for him to get married before I begin my search for someone new. I have already started looking for friends, but I am far too injured right now to look for another partner. The end of our romantic relationship is like a tsunami that we saw coming from miles away that can't run away from.
I want to excel in life and do well for myself, make people proud of me. But now it's like a charade when I get up and get ready for the day. Some days I don't do it for myself anymore. I do it for everyone else so they can't see what my sadness is doing to me. In the grand scale of things I tell myself that this is really not a big deal because it's not like we were married or we had kids. Sometimes I think about where people get the strength to deal with bigger things like a death of a child or a divorce. I think about how I would be in one of those situations. I don't know why I think about these things but I do, and I don't like that my mind even goes there. But that's one of the things that comes along with sadness: preparing oneself for the absolute worst. I just don't want any self-fulfilling prophecy type shit going on.
I had a friend tell me the other day that if it weren't for her dog, she would kill herself. She told me that in a moment of absolute desperation and has said since then that she wouldn't try to kill herself. But I reflect on that moment of desperation and I think about the fact that I caught a glimpse of her at one moment in time when she had a self-destructive thought that she felt others would judge her for.
I have told this guy that all this in-between stuff is killing me but he can't let me go. He is willing to get married to someone else but he can't let me go. I told him that his wife would be loving him so much and it sucks that she would not be getting the love she deserves from him because of his still-strong feelings for me. I told him we should break up and give ourselves time to get over each other. But we don't have the strength to follow through.
Our love is like thread . Once we had all we ever needed to make the fabric to keep us warm and now it's being pulled to its maximum tension, just barely resisting the break, and we are too scared to use scissors.
1 comment:
No offence, but it really sounds like he is just using you for the sake of his own comfort- like you said, he knows he has it made since he doesn't need to do anything to get married (it'll get sorted out for him there). I hope you realise he is essentially just stringing you along like a FWB (friend with benefits), to give him the emotional comfort he wants. Because, you see, he doesn't want to ever be without that comfort- he'll use the comfort from you, & then as soon as he gets married, he'll use the comfort & stability from her. So he'll have that comfort 24/7. Whereas you? Well, you'll never truly have comfort because, while you're still clinging onto him, you're still thinking of how unfair this is to his future wife. And then when he gets married, he'll be sorted- but what about you? He'll always have someone to lean back on (whether it's you or his future wife), but you'll be left hanging. I know you don't want to hear this, but it really does sound like he's just using you for the sake of him never having to be alone =[ When a relationship is ended, you NEED to spend time apart- at least at first. Spend a few weeks without contacting him, and THEN once you've found your feet should you contact him again. But you also need to cut this 'sweet nothings' crap- it's not doing either of you any good! Again, it's like being FWB- you might think you're getting a good deal (because you're still saying things to each other as if you were a couple), but unfortunately all this will do is give you false hope that you ARE still a couple when you're not! Again, I don't want to be harsh, but I know how it feels- you need to give yourself space to breathe & heal, before talking to him (or trying to strike it up with anyone else, for that matter). Getting away like you have is good, a fresh start will help you clear your head =] But remember, you deserve better than this!
Post a Comment