Regret.

I am nearing 30 (well, 28 and 29 first, but still) and I never would have imagined that I would become the person I am today. Sounds like a positive statement but I don't mean for it to be. I always used to think that regret is a useless feeling and that I knew better than to regret things from my past because everything can be seen as a learning experience. But lately I can't help it. I regret so much. I regret things that I did and things that I didn't do. I regret things that were in my control and things that were out of my control. Here's a goddamn list of shit that I regret:
I regret allowing myself to fall in love so easily and not being practical when I should be. I regret not sticking to my guns in many, many ways. I regret whenever I come to the point of sheer anger and words come out of my mouth that really shouldn't. I feel like I wasted my 20s even though logically I know I haven't. I regret ever meeting the man mentioned in my last post. I regret that my parents are divorced and that therefore makes me a colder commodity in the eyes of Indian men everywhere. I regret my weight. I regret  that I have become so jaded that I have no more patience or sympathy for certain people anymore. I regret that I can't speak my mind when I need to and end up stifling tsunamis of emotion down the line because of it. I regret not keeping in touch with certain people. I regret trying to be someone I wasn't when I was a teenager. I regret that I didn't have a stable family to instill some pride and confidence in my young stupid ass. I regret that I know of these flaws and I still am not able to fix them. I regret that I never dug myself out of the rut of self-destructive thoughts and self-sabotage. I regret that I feel this way and I am almost 30 and still single and searching so hard for someone and something to enjoy. I regret that the aforementioned man has been so unbelievably good to me that I fear I will never find such sweet, true love again. I regret that I never learned how not to need people, how not to feel lonely. I regret that I continue to allow the abuses of others towards me live on in my actions towards myself. I regret so much shit that I just couldn't control. Why do I beat myself up like this? Why do I tell things to myself and make myself believe things that I would never say to another person? Why do I not feel worthy of self-love? Why do I allow my past to continue to affect me today? How can I get out of this?

It's worth mentioning, I guess, that the times I go back to this type of thinking are much less frequent than they used to be. But I still don't like that these thoughts still reside in me and attack me when I am most vulnerable. These self-abusive thoughts are like vultures; they loom in the air when I am near the point of breakdown and when it finally happens I am overcome and eaten alive by them.