Hurts a lot... I am afraid I will never meet anyone else like him. I KNOW I will never meet anyone else like him, because we are all our own people. It's that reality that makes me so afraid to lose him. But then I turn around and ask myself if I ever had him, and I don't even know the answer to that. We have had our frank talks and all of it is appreciated but I can't continue to beat a dead horse without reaching some conclusion. It hurts sitting there confessing my love to someone who has told me repeatedly that he cannot be with me in the long term. I will be gone for two years soon. I don't want to make anyone wait for me. I will return from PeaceCorps as a different person. I know this, yet I find myself asking whether he might still have a space for me in his life so far from now. I wonder how much I mean to him, if I do mean anything to him at all. I torture myself with the possibilities of a future with him, even though I know he is not willing to take the steps to be with me. I don't know if he will miss me when the time comes for him to marry someone else. I make half-hearted efforts to meet other people, knowing I will remain attached to him despite all efforts to prevent it. I secretly scrutinize and criticize every new prospective I meet, but I don't know whether I am comparing them to him or not because he fits my criteria and preference to a T.
I know I cannot change him. I know I cannot make him love me. I have heard that a man doesn't realize what he has in front of him until it is not there anymore. I don't know what will happen after I begin my PeaceCorps service. I am both terrified and excited for my future. I am all caught up in this situation and I don't know how to burn myself out without ruining what we have now.
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1 comment:
Please don't say I will never meet anyone else like him becouse you met someone like him recently and confidently you can exepect more then him.
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