Head Above Water.

I called him to tell him that I was tired of protecting him from my feelings. I told him that I had been holding his hand through this breakup because I was his first relationship and I felt guilty being angry with him because of the pain he had already been feeling. I told him I am not hiding my feelings anymore and that I am angry with him. and that I felt he had wasted 3 years of my life. I told him about some things he had said on the phone during conversations past and that I was still angry about them. The whole time I was talking he was begging, "please don't hate me, please don't hate me."

I cried in the arms of one of my friends the other day who literally answered a prayer. I had been thinking over the past few weeks that what I really want is for someone to hold me and cradle me while I bawled my eyes out. And my friend did just that. It was very therapeutic and in fact I have not cried since then. The friend who held me is coincidentally going through similar issues. It was nice to be cradled and protected for a couple of hours. I told him all about how I broke down crying on the train in front of everyone and he was sweetly empathetic. 

I have been doing better at work. I completed orientation a few weeks ago and I feel like a bird trying to fly on my own.  I am getting used to everything and slowly the concepts of this new job are starting to congeal. I know I will succeed in this front. Every time I start to think of how "boring" it is having a 9 to 5 job and a routine I think back to the days when that was all I wanted because working at the bedside in a hospital is pretty rough AND the pay is way worse. So I really have nothing I can complain about. I work with wonderful people who are very helpful and who want to see me succeed.