Looking way back and maintaining zen

I have been really trying to maintain a zen mentality lately.

Just now I looked at some photos from my early childhood. I saw pics of my late grandfather and I studied them, closed my eyes and struggled to remember what it was like to touch his face in real life. I remember playing with the paper-thin skin on his hands and thinking to myself that I should always remember what they feel like. I still remember. I remember laying next to him in bed and periodically ironing into my brain how much black hair he still had left on his head. By the end the only black hair was by the base of his neck and right by his ears, on the temples.

So I feel very sad remembering all this, because I really miss him. I miss the security he provided me. I miss knowing that regardless of what shit my parents put me through, someone was there in my life who understood all of my pain just by looking at my sad eyes. I miss him and I have a moderate fear that even 6 years after his death, I still may not be at terms with having lost him.

Then suddenly my resolve to maintain a zen mentality kicks in. I start to tell myself that he is still here, all around me, and I remember the times after his death when I still felt his presence. I start to allow myself to shed a tear or two for the past, to feel all of my feelings completely and let them go graciously. When my eyes are fully welled up, I close my eyelids to push the hot tears out and feel them roll down my cheeks. I open my eyes to see where the tears land.

I continue to think about other things about my early life that make me sad to think about, such as my parents' divorce, how my mom never had a fighting chance growing up and how that affected my chances growing up, how I was such a blissfully unaware child and how I wish that bliss had followed me through life even after I had become aware.

I remind myself to appreciate everything I have. Life is too short. I am fortunate in at least as many ways as I am unfortunate. I have known love and happiness and that is more than a lot of other people can say for themselves. I have a will and the power and freedom to use it. With these thoughts I take a deep breath and keep it moving. In a symbolic embrace of my emotions, I don't wipe off the tear trails from my cheeks. I get dressed in preparation for leaving my apartment.