Exhaustion

I am so tired today. I have worked 7 out of the past 8 nights. I hate when they have me on runs of 4 nights in a row. Recently on 2 separate mornings I have had patients tell me they had chest pain ten minutes before I was supposed to clock out. Whenever that happens we need to call the doctor, who usually orders a stat chest x ray, an EKG, cardiac enzyme blood draws 3 times, 8 hours apart. I know it's my job, I know I should expect it especially working on a vascular unit but I get frustrated. Things like that make me yearn for a more normal job, like I would get in an operating room or doing home health, or working in a clinic someplace. All the negativity from everyone else who doesn't want to work there just gets to me and brainwashes me sometimes. However, I really feel what I am feeling now and I am sure that it would benefit me on all sides to start doing another type of work (like my dream of the moment, operating room nursing) before doing Doctors Without Borders.

I have been going to the gym regularly (again). I have been forcing myself to go after work. There have been just 2 days since November 1st that I worked a shift and didn't go to the gym right afterwards (one of them was yesterday; my sleep deficit was so great I dragged my ass to bed and slept more than 15 hours total). I have also been counting my caloric intake on a site called sparkpeople.com. I am trying to lead a more healthy lifestyle in addition to giving myself a goal to work up to because it doesn't look like I am doing the other stuff I am supposed to be doing, which is getting ready to get the hell out of where I work and into an environment I like better. I am an excellent self-saboteur but for once I am putting my energy into an aspect of my life that was always the first I sabotaged in the past. That in itself makes me happy. The changes I started making have been small, and I am working up to bigger ones.

In the past I would go to the gym and hit the ground running with a full 45 minutes to an hour on any given machine. Well even though that works for some people, it never worked for me for long term because I was just exhausted all the time; I never really worked up to that level. Well this time I started off just doing 20 minutes of cardio and these days I am doing 30. Pretty soon I will increase my time until I can do a full hour of cardio at a time. I have changed my black-or-white, all or nothing mentality...at least a little. Instead of thinking "one hour or nothing at all" I tell myself that 20 minutes is better than nothing and go for the gusto. And the gusto is working for me because I am succeeding so far in being consistent, and to me that's the first important thing.

Another good plan I read about is c25k, or Couch to 5K, in which a person who leads a sedentary lifestyle works their way up to running 5K. I want to do that when I am confident that I have obtained sufficient endurance. Actually another reason is because the free workout room in the hospital that I utilize has no treadmill, and people rarely use it while I am there. It just has the stairmaster, elliptical machine, and stationary bike (I have been using all 3 to make my total exercise time 30 minutes). There is a second workout room in the hospital however it is very popular and always has at least 4 or 5 others in it. I am way too self conscious to run in front of anyone else, as stupid as that sounds.

Already I feel a difference in the way I move. I actually ran part of the way to work the other day when I was about to be late. I hopped up the stairs in Crossgates mall the other day. I remember in the past when I had streaks of working out consistently I would be able to feel the difference even just going up the stairs in the subway. In addition I feel more powerful, I feel more confident, I feel the love I give myself and it makes me happy.

I had an allergy test done early in the morning the day before yesterday after work. In the clinic the LPN put differently essenced oils on my forearm and let it sit there for 20 minutes. I developed welts where the allergens I am allergic to were. I found out I am severely allergic to cockroaches, cats and dogs. As a matter of fact my arms still itch like crazy and I have been applying a topical steroid cream. They talked to me about treatment and I found out my insurance will cover allergy shots (taken once a week for 5 years, and I have to go a clinic to get them) but not allergy drops ($180 for a 3 month supply, taken orally at home 3 times a day for 5 years). I don't know what to do. I want to own a bunny someday. I want to go to my best friend's house without having anaphylaxis because of his adorable kitty cat. The other side of it is what will happen to my insurance-covered allergy shots when I quit? I will have to pay for it anyway. Maybe I should just do the drops. I don't know.