Becoming more lucid

So I have focused on looking at the "big picture" lately, trying to revert to my previous mentality that embraced the following:

-hedonism, within reason
-taking life minute by minute and hour by hour
-being more laid-back, carefree
-being more appreciative of every little thing in life
-being more conscious of things that stress me out, and trying more diligently to let them go

So far it has been working and I have been much more honest with myself and everyone around me. It's a great feeling and one I love experiencing when my mind has the right frame for it.

I guess in some ways, temporarily, at least, I have become more of a risk-taker and I like it. The last time I was in this frame of mind, I had a lot of fun.

I signed up for a driving lesson for tomorrow at 1pm. Wonder how it'll go. I drove a friend's car yesterday, and I was too scared to go beyond 20mph. Wild roads of the bustling metropolis of Albany, NY, here I come.

Michael Jackson died a few days ago and I am still not over it. I think of all the childhood memories I have with him in it and I am saddened. Obviously I never knew him personally but it is amazing how integral he was to my earlier life experiences. For example, I remember watching "Captain EO" in Florida at age 4, I remember trying to moonwalk with my neighbors in the hallway of our building, I remember falling asleep to his CDs when I went to my aunt's wedding in France at age 8, I remember always wishing I could take dance lessons to be able to dance like him. Moving further, I remember going on eBay at age 18 when I finally had access to my own money and bidding on the cheapest MJ memorabilia I could find, I remember my teens through twenties, when I started going to clubs, always being the one and only freak who would get crazier to MJ on the dance floor than any other popular music, I remember just a few months ago looking online and contemplating saving up to buy tickets to an upcoming concert he would have performed in the UK next year. I told Dioliver, I didn't even care this much when Princess Di passed away. And yes, I know how bad that sounds. Michael Jackson was the epitome of what every popular music artist aspires to be. I love the timbre of his voice, the fluidity of his dance skills, and the way he overcame his abusive past. We all know about his plastic surgery and the accusations of child molestation (which are now null and void, years and years after the fact, because after poor MJ's death the initial accuser has let the cat out of the bag, so to speak). But honestly, if changing one's appearance is what it takes to overcome the trauma of a destroyed childhood, go for it. After all he went through in his life, I think the man has a right to look as bad as he wants. It never affected the quality of his music. ALL of today's artists use him as their inspiration, if not in their music, definitely in their videos. I just feel sorry for MJ and his kids.

I have been jumping around this entire entry and I would like to end it on yet another note.

I just want to remind myself and whoever happens to be reading that this blog is not written for anyone else but me. If you are one of the few people who I actually invited to read my blog, please do feel special because honestly, it was never my intention to advertise this blog to people who I didn't think would be able to handle what I write. I don't like to spread the link around because the last thing I want is for me to be venting about someone I care about, who happened to offend me just one time, and for that person to read whatever I wrote and start hating me for it. It's just a vent, a rant, that I might not feel comfortable bringing up to the person directly. So if you read something disturbing, chill out and don't let it destroy the fabric of the person you perceive me to be in real life. Don't stress yourself out drawing conclusions and making judgments about anything because I was pissed off one day for ten minutes. My emotions, especially negative, stressful ones in general, tend to be short-lived. Don't start thinking I have turned into a whole other person I have never presented myself to be in real life before. I know sometimes I write crazy shit but welcome to the internet. I may not feel like crying about everything on the phone to people, so I come here to type it out. Simple as that. The same goes for those who read what I write and have never met me in real life. Please don't read this and start forming opinions about the kind of person I am when I put on my clothes and walk out into the street. There is some overlap, naturally, however, I don't post here with any regularity, I do so when I feel like it...and that requires a certain mood from me.

That is not to say I don't appreciate people caring about me. I just don't like feeling misunderstood. I don't want to beat a dead horse into a bloody pulp, so I will stop here.