Relapsing

Why can I not stop thinking about him ? Why am I allowing him to have any kind of power over me? I am at least attractive, that is something he doesn't have: looks. I have a good heart and I am successful, those are two other things he doesn't have: he is a soulless fuckup of a doctor. He called me arrogant. I have the right to be arrogant when talking to him because I don't have to do what he does to get people to want to be with me. Why, then, do I act so stupid, running after him like a dog? Is it because I think I wont find anyone like him? Logically I know that's not true (and even more logically, I know I should probably hope and pray that I in fact do not find anyone else like him!). When it comes down to it, I think all of this sadness is just because I keep remembering all the good times we had and I miss them. Also, I am lonely. I really have no friends besides Dioliver now. I am trying to rekindle friendships with those I talked to before. It is difficult when a person is alone. I always told myself I would never be the kind of person who didn't have friends, especially when I was involved with someone on a more-than-friends basis. But the problem here was, I didn't have other friends besides Dioliver when I met him and it just stayed that way. I have no fucking social life and it's killing me. I used to like being alone, and I still do, but not if I don't have a choice. During times like these I can see why people commit suicide.
I was in a house party last night, hosted by the first friend I ever made in high school. He had a vast variety of friends there, and I played the role of a silent observer most of the night. I felt strange there, because the people I had met before who were there, I hadn't seen in years (including the host!). I sat and just watched everyone interacting. I started looking at everyone's clothes, everyone's behavior... and I thought about how we are all working professionals now and our lives are now defined by the money we make and by the jobs that we do. What lies in our futures now is marriage, children, and death. I don't know if and when I will be able to allow my heart to soften enough to love fully again. I am 24 and I want to have a child before I am 30. This whole thing has been one of the most traumatic experiences of my life so far, honestly. I can deal with having my heart broken, it has happened before, but not this way. Never this way. I never thought this would happen to me, and now I cant stop thinking that it will happen to me again. I am too afraid to trust anyone anymore. That whole low-self-esteem thing I mentioned in a past entry, well I am entering the height of it now. All of yesterday I watched happy drunk people laughing together, smiling, loving. And I wished I was one of them but I couldn't fake it at the time. I fought an internal battle all of yesterday, with half of me saying I will never find someone who has those characteristics that HE had which I liked so much. The other half was saying, of course I will, if I am as open to meeting people as I was when I met him. I just need time, I guess. But I cant wait till this stage of grief is over, till I start feeling better about myself and my future. I cant wait to be ready to love again, I have too much to offer as a partner and I am tired of searching for the one who is worth my love. I have to keep thinking of reasons to hate him, I have to not let my guard down, and I have to stay strong or else I will be ruined. I tried listening to music that has lyrics that suggest that money is the force for which I should be living. but that is too unnatural for me. I am too humanitarian for that. I hate to think that pieces of paper are so powerful in life. But I know that the reality is that they are exactly that powerful.
I made another profile on a website so I could meet people. I am already talking to someone interesting through that site. I don't want to be on a rebound but I know that'll happen if I don't allow myself ample time to feel my feelings and let them go. I keep flip-flopping between anger and sadness. I hate what this is doing to me but I cant avoid it, it's like a tidal wave that you know will kill you.